ARIEL: Hello sweetie! What? Of course I’m Ariel, silly. Would you ask Santa Claus if he was real? Oh, well I’m sure he loves that you think that! [Beat.] Look kid, I’m only gonna say this once, so listen up. I’m not Ariel. Of course I’m not Ariel because she’s a fucking mermaid, and do you really think those exist? Your parents wanted to prove to the rest of their PTA friends that they’re the best parents around, and spent a lot more than “this many” to prove it. [Beat.] Oh my gosh, just look at your dress! Do you have a fairy godmother? [Beat.] Anyway, your parents call me, and I put on this stupid wig and have my roommates lace me up into this itchy tulle monkey-suit, and ninety minutes later, I show up at your door. We’re supposed to read a few books, play a few games, and I’m on my way out the door the minute you blow out the candles. Nowhere does it say you’re supposed to question if I’m real, or fight over who gets the next temporary tattoo, or wipe your snot on my sleeve while giving me a hug. But, since you asked, I’m not real. In fact, in about… eighteen minutes, I’m going to blow you all kisses goodbye and walk down the street to my royal Honda parked around the corner to change out of this costume- all the while hoping your neighbors don’t catch me half-naked by myself in the backseat of my car. [Beat.] Oh goodness, I think it’s time for cake! Happy Birthday, Princess!